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A Different Path of Life

I am grateful to have met Tzu Chi. There is always someone who will listen and accept my sharing regardless of the problems I faced. They taught me that there are options in life, and we could walk a different path.

 

“Are you a vegetarian?”
“I have vegetarian meals twice a month.”
“Twice a month? That is great too!”

[Photo by Cheong Chi Lup]

At the Tzu Chi recycling centre in Section 17, Petaling Jaya, volunteer Chan Lian See would always lovingly greet the public who sent recyclables over, and promote vegetarianism. No matter what their response was, she would first compliment them before recommending the vegetarian bento.

“There is brown rice, vegetables and salad. Which do you prefer?” The public would select a bento, and under her guidance, pick up a Vegetarian Challenge card and leave happily. Having witnessed her amiable attitude, it was impossible to imagine how distant and cold she used to be.

Putting up an emotional wall

When her daughter Zoey was one, Lian See realized that the little one rarely made eye contact with the family; she would ignore them and preferred to be alone. The doctor later confirmed that Zoey was autistic. This left Lian See feeling lost, and engulfed in helplessness and guilt. She blamed herself, “Why did the kid come to me? Did I eat the wrong thing when I was pregnant? Did I do something wrong?”

Back then, people did not know much about children with different needs. Thus, Lian See not only had to shoulder the responsibility of caring for Zoey, but also bear all the strange looks. She kept Zoey by her side all the time, as she was the only one who could calm her down whenever she was triggered.

Once, a relative told Lian See, “Your child is sick. Take her to the doctor. Why is she like this? We do not have anyone like this in our family.” She instantly broke into tears. At every gathering, she received hurtful comments and could only lick her wounds in private. She questioned, “Why do people treat children with different needs like aliens?”

Being a tough person, she did not admit defeat easily. She began building a thick emotional wall, and would stare back when others had their eyeballs on her and Zoey. Like a hedgehog with quills, she kept others away and did her best to protect herself and her family. She promised herself, “So long as I treat my child as a normal kid, I will be able to raise her up well into a good person.”

In order to assure Zoey that she was no different from other kids, she brought her up the way she brought up her eldest daughter. Every week, the family would go out. Once, when Zoey was about four, they hung out at a furniture store. Lian See dropped the two kids off at the store’s designated play area for kids, which was open to each child for a limited duration.

When Lian See came back to pick Zoey up, she was faced with a challenge—Zoey refused to leave and ignored everyone no matter how much her mother or the staff around coaxed her. At her wit’s end, Lian See began pulling and even beating Zoey. Loud cries filled the room. Time came to a standstill. People stopped to look at them but no one could be of any help.

Lian See broke into tears. Sobbing, she hugged Zoey tightly, “Child, one day, you will be able to understand Mum. You will be able to communicate with me. You will understand what I say.” She strongly believed that things would be better and that her daughter would get better. Looking back at the unbearable past, Lian See recounted, “I had been living in fear. When we went swimming and it started to rain, Zoey refused to leave. When I took her to the island, I lost her at the pier. When we attended gatherings, she took the elevator and slipped away. Thankfully, we found her safe and sound each time, but I was scared. I was terrified that she would get hurt or abducted. The psychological pressure was tremendous but there was nothing I could do. Fortunately, I met Tzu Chi.”

Gratefully, I met Tzu Chi

Lian See was introduced to Tzu Chi by Elsie Lee, a Tzu Chi volunteer who was her roommate at a training course. Whenever an opportunity arose, Elsie would tell her about Tzu Chi. Lian See laughed, “I had never heard of Tzu Chi then, and I was not interested at all!” It was not until Elsie asked her, “Do you want your child to become better? Do you want your child to be a good person?” that she was awakened and replied, “Yes, absolutely!” She then enrolled for the Tzu Chi’s Parent-child Bonding Class (PCBC).

Initially, her husband, who is a Christian, resisted and was reluctant to participate. However, eventually, he went along with Lian See and accompanied their children to the session. On their first class, the family of four were flattered to see the volunteers standing in two rows, clapping and singing, welcoming the parents and kids. Lian See vaguely remembered that the session was about filial piety. She was so moved that she burst into tears. What surprised her was how friendly the volunteers were. They led the session enthusiastically and most of all, treated Zoey impartially.

Chan Lian See always brings her daughter Zoey along to Tzu Chi activities. Here, they feel accepted, and are able to learn and grow comfortably. [Photo courtesy of Chan Lian See]

The volunteers even encouraged her to let her child interact freely, when they saw her holding on to her daughter’s hand firmly lest she wandered around and disturbed the class. When Zoey, as expected, ran to the front of the stage, curiously touching and feeling different things, or lying down in the corridor, or ignoring the volunteers who approached her, Lian See felt embarrassed but the volunteers did not mind.

Elsie even arranged for a volunteer to care for Zoey so that Lian See could focus in class. Elsie was grateful for the team and parents’ understanding, tolerating Zoey’s behaviour. She related, “Once, Zoey grabbed the emcee’s microphone, but the latter was able to deal with the situation calmly, as if it was just another ordinary thing. No one blamed the child.”

It was a whole new world for Lian See. The harmonious atmosphere, the friendly smiles, and most importantly, no one treated Zoey as a child with special needs. The family felt very at ease and reassured. Lian See looked forward to the future sessions. She laughed and shared that despite not knowing what she had learnt, the atmosphere was pleasant. Hence, she encouraged herself, “Go and cry it out!”

Here, Lian See found more space for thinking. She often asked Elsie, “What have I done wrong?” – to which Elsie replied, “If you want your child to be better, then you must be better first.” This made her very puzzled. She did not know what had gone wrong as she had worked hard to support her family and tried her best to care for her children.

Elsie recalled that Lian See had a successful career as a financial planner. She had great achievements, but also a fierce temper as well. When they first met, there was no smile on her face. She complained a lot about her daughters, husband, colleagues and clients. Even after the first PCBC session, she complained and suggested that the volunteers should have done it differently or should have arranged the course in a certain way.

In response to Lian See’s complaints, Elsie showed her that she cared and frequently talked about Tzu Chi’s Four-ingredient Spiritual Soup (contentment, gratitude, understanding, and accommodating) and ‘face cream’ (smile and treat others with kindness).

Although back then, Lian See could not understand it, she was grateful that the volunteers were willing to listen to her. It was comfortable mingling with them. She shared, “Before I met Tzu Chi, I was helpless. I was on the brink of collapse! I wanted to give up my family, leave everything behind and walk away. Fortunately, Sister Elsie reminded me to be my best. I am lucky that, in the end, I did not choose to abandon my family.”

In the first year of PCBC, Lian See went to Taiwan (Tzu Chi’s birthplace) as a new volunteer. When the Dharma Masters at the Jing Si Abode learnt of her situation, they said to her gently, “Do not blame yourself. Your kid is destined to go to you. Perhaps she knew you could help her, so she came to you.” Such words of wisdom untied the knot tied up for years, and opened her heart.

Lian See admitted that in the past, she used to be distant and had fewer and fewer friends. Her good friends dared not say much for fear that they would offend her. “I am thankful that I met Tzu Chi. Gradually, I became more relaxed and less spiteful. I learnt to speak without hurting others. My friends told me that I had changed a lot.”

Chan Lian See (first right), who now plays a community team leader role in Tzu Chi, often invites her friends to contribute in Tzu Chi’s voluntary work. [Photo courtesy of Chan Lian See]

One day, her elder daughter said, “Mum, your tone of voice is not as harsh anymore.” The changes in Lian See have made their relationship more harmonious. She has stopped scolding and beating as a way of educating her children. She revealed, “There were so many canes at home. The kids would throw them away secretly. In truth, hitting the child hurts the mother too!”

After returning from Taiwan, Lian See devoted herself to Tzu Chi. Seeing volunteers visiting nursing homes, taking care of the elderly and accompanying them in singing and dancing, Lian See admitted, “In the past, I did not even dare to walk in through the door. I saw the volunteers offer themselves without asking for anything in return, especially volunteer Stephanie Chew, who was very enthusiastic in leading the activities. It was eye opening for me.”

◎ Choosing the right path

In the second year, Lian See assumed the role as the care team leader for the nursing home visits. She invited her friends to help out together. It was her turn to lead. Holding the elderly’s hands, singing and dancing, she discovered that it was not as tough as she had thought! When she saw that her friends dared not step in, it reminded her of her old self and realized her growth.

“I have learned a lot from the volunteers. There is no need to be afraid, just do it. That is how I walked out of my comfort zone.” Lian See is currently the leader of the recycling point at Section 17, Petaling Jaya; the leader of the care team for Asrama Cahaya Rumah Wanita Cacat Infant Jesus Convent, and a volunteer who does home visits.

In addition, Lian See and volunteers went to IQ70+, the Malaysian Association for the Welfare of Mentally Challenged Children, to care for the children with intellectual disabilities. There, she found many children who faced much greater challenges in life compared to Zoey. Hers were insignificant in comparison.

Where possible, she brings Zoey along. What makes Zoey happy is to accompany her mother to Jing Si Hall to help out. “The first time Zoey went to Jing Si Hall, she went missing! That terrified me.” Lian See recalled, when the PCBC had their first class at the newly open Jing Si Hall, Zoey was lost in the unfamiliar environment. The session was suspended and everyone helped to search for Zoey, only to find her playing in the washroom. Once again, the magnanimous volunteers touched Lian See. No one blamed them. Instead, they kept reassuring her.

“Tzu Chi volunteers accept Zoey for who she is. She enjoys coming to Jing Si Hall to help out with simple tasks, such as drying the dishes and mopping the floor. I feel that she is exceptionally calm at the Hall.”

Seeing the growth of both herself and daughter over the years, Lian See shared her experience, “We must open our hearts and accept things that happen because we never know what we will gain from it. For instance, although we cannot go anywhere these two years because of the pandemic, our family has become closer than before. Not only have I discovered that my 14-year-old Zoey can now join online lessons obediently, she is also great in Maths! Her progress is evident.”

The pandemic allowed Lian See a breather to think, “We have got to be grateful as we get to live comfortably with food and clothing. Perhaps we accumulated enough merits in the past for doing good deeds.”

“There is no one I do not love, no one I do not trust, and no one I cannot forgive.”—Lian See keeps these wise words of Master Cheng Yen in her mind. “I have let go of whatever unkind words others have said to me in the past, and I have forgiven them. I thank Tzu Chi. Without Tzu Chi, I believe I would still be a lost soul who complains a lot and thinks negatively.”

It is because of faith that Lian See found the right direction, leading her to a different path of life.

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